


Six Feet Under, Which Body To Bury

by RadioactivePaws



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, angst but it gets better, i might continue this if people want it continued, it's an ambiguous ending but its happy, it's mostly a Kara introspective, set in season ????, the time frame doesnt matter much though for it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-02
Updated: 2020-03-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:01:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22985260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RadioactivePaws/pseuds/RadioactivePaws
Summary: There's three of her really. Kara Danvers, Kara Zor-El, Supergirl.Some days she can't remember which one is real, which one encompasses all of her, or if any of them really do.Sometimes finding yourself takes time, takes patience, and a little love.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 3
Kudos: 71





	Six Feet Under, Which Body To Bury

**Author's Note:**

> listen to 6 Feet by Left At London bcuz thats what sparked this whole ass thing. also no beta for this bcuz i literally heard that song, slapped this into the ao3 text box and hit post so sorry for any big mistakes.

Hand on the mirror, Kara winced as her eyes traveled along the lines of her body. The suit, the symbol, and her hands clenched against her thighs so tightly she's trembling. For a moment, a single breath, she wants to rip it off. She wants to scream and cry as her hands shred the thing that ties her so tightly to the legacy of Krypton on Earth.

Instead, she takes a deep breath to shake the impulse. Once her hands have relaxed, she super speeds into the clothes she knows so well. The soft material, the coverage that helps her hide from the public eye. She slides so easy into Kara Danvers, Cat Co Reporter, that for a moment she really believes that's all she is. For a moment, she wants to sit on her couch and watch the sky until the sun sets. She wants to let that life wither away, wants to find her way back to the future she saw on Krypton.

Yet she doesn't. Her body moves on reflex, grabbing her things and leaving the building to head to Noonan's for breakfast. It's an idea she's not opposed to as her stomach makes itself known, her body heavy with exhaustion after spending the early hours averting one crisis or another.

The tired pull of her muscles reminds her of Krypton, of evenings where she would stay up too late to greet Astra or to study up on all the things she knew her family was working with. It makes her picture the people around her as Kryptonian, blinking awake in the red sun and welcoming the morning with open arms as they all continue on in blissful ignorance of their impending doom. Not all of them, she supposes, some of them knew what would happen. The thought sparks another kind of anger, one that makes her want to fly into the atmosphere. It makes her want to scream until she can't anymore, to blow her powers in a burst of rage until she's forced to sleep.

She just wants to sleep.

The rest of the day follows a similar pattern. Kara's body works on instinct, doing as she would normally do as she writes her current article and runs to help Alex with a small emergency, but her mind is in turmoil. Every hour she's angry at a different piece of herself, angry at the circumstances that brought her there, and so full of sorrow at the heaviness it all places on her heart.

Flying to Lena's office is a mistake. She hasn't told her, hasn't revealed it all yet, but of all the impulses she's had that day, going to Lena is the one Kara can't say no to. She collapses on the balcony, Kara Danvers' work pants on over the super suit and her hair still pulled up, but she can't bring herself to care.

Not when her soul has been weeping for weeks, now when the cracks of her smile have finally broken through to the surface.

"Supergirl?" Lena's voice is soft, questioning, and Kara is sure she can hear the wonder there. It makes her think, maybe Lena does know, maybe not. She will though, she has to know. Kara needs her to tell her which one is real.

"I need to ask you something." The rough gravel in her voice betrays her, the obvious show of tears peeking through even as she tries to keep it all together. Tries to be made of steel and sunshine once more even as she feels like she's been flung into space.

"Okay. Can we do it inside?" The question is meant to be multiple in one, Kara can hear it. She hears the main question, hears what Lena really wants to say.

"Yes, please. That, that would be better."

When she finally looks up, Kara can see the deep worry and the surprise reflected in Lena's eyes. Kara doesn't say anything else until she's sitting inside, her body feeling hollow as she stares out the windows. It takes a few minutes for them to settle, for Lena to finally sit next to her and wait until Kara can gather her thoughts. While the silence is gentle and welcome, Kara can't help but squirm at the things she knows she should fill it with.

"What happened to you?"

A hoarse laughter bubbles out before Kara can stop it, her hand coming up to wipe at the tears sliding down her cheeks.

"Everything."

Lena doesn't say anything after that. She sits, waits, for Kara to continue. Waits, ever so patient, but Kara can see the cracks. The way she fidgets, the fluctuations in her heartbeat, and the clenching of her jaw as she physically stops any question that pops into her head.

"I'm sorry for just showing up like this but I need to tell you something, I need to ask you something, but most of all, I'm begging you to just listen to me."

There's a beat of something between them, Lena searching her face while Kara bares it all, lets the cracks break through the mask she's been wearing for so long it simply became her face. She's tired, she's broken, and she needs the one person who makes her feel like this could all be okay.

"I'll listen, I promise." Lena's voice is quiet, a whisper, but it holds enough emotion that it nearly knocks Kara over. She breathes her in, takes that feeling and bottles it for the days she needs to remember the sincerity and warmth.

Kara nods to show she heard, her hands twisting nervously before she just decides to take the plunge.

"My name, my full name, is Kara Zor-El Danvers. I am the lost daughter of Krypton, suspended for years in space only to the be thrown onto Earth. I watched my planet die, watched my family be lost to space, and then I had to become someone different to fit into an alien planet. I became who I am now because of the family that took me in, that loved me so much, and I adore them for it. I will always be thankful, always be so happy that I became a Danvers, but sometimes," Kara trailed off, clenching her hands together once more as she avoided eye contact. "Then I became Supergirl. I did it at first to save my sister but I loved it, I do love it, yet I don't know who that is. I am Supergirl but is she me? Or am I Kara Danvers who just pretends to be super? Or, really, am I still that lost daughter, Kara Zor-El, just trying to find my way in the debris of a broken planet."

There was a moment, a breath from Lena that nearly broke her heart as she could feel the questions and the mix of hope and devastation. She needed to explain, needed to find a way to keep Lena. So she went with the truth.

"When I met you, you liked me as Kara Danvers. Then, you had a different relationship with Supergirl and you'd never met Kara Zor-El. I wasn't a mix of three identities trying to find which one is real, I was just Kara. I let myself just be me, I let my walls down and I brought you in so closely that I felt like I was finally grounded. I didn't have to play three characters in a revolving play, I kept Supergirl seperate from Kara and you liked it that way. You didn't talk to me like I was Kara and Supergirl in one package, you didn't act like those two identities were one in the same, and I couldn't let that go. You were all I had as Kara, just Kara, and I was selfish. I kept you to myself like that but it wasn't just that. There was a huge danger in you knowing, in telling you, because you would become a target to twice as much devastation. I couldn't put that pain on you, I couldn't put you in worse danger than you already are because of who I can be. I trust you fully, Lena. Fuck, I trust you more than I trust myself, and I hope you can find it in you to forgive me."

Kara took a breath, turning slightly so she was facing Lena but she still couldn't meet her eyes.

"I need to ask you who I am. Every day I find a conflict inside me, which one is real and which one is just a mask. Who am I, what am I," Biting her lip, Kara tried to muffle the sobs building in her chest. "Which one can I bury, who can finally be laid to rest so that pain can go away? Who can I be without pain? Who am I other than three broken people in one body, just trying to make it all work."

"Oh, Kara." Lena's voice was strained, pain settled deep within it and Kara wanted to fling herself into the sun for putting it there.

"I need to be truthful with you. I can't keep hiding, I don't want to lie to you. Hurting you is the worst thing I can do and it seems like it's all I do." She chuckled bitterly. "Which is a problem since I love you so much."

Another gasp, the stutter of a heart as the speed shifted so quickly. Kara didn't know what to make of it as she pushed forward.

"I love you, I'm in love with you, and that's also why I kept it a secret. How could you love someone who can't even say who they are? Someone who is so full of anger and pain but hides it so deep, she doesn't even know if it's really her's or just the person she used to be." Kara finally let out a breath that relaxed her muscles, her body giving into the exhaustion once more as she all but collapsed fully against the couch. "I'm so tired, Lena, so tired of hiding and lying and being in pain. I just want to be who I am around you, happy and warm and just Kara. Can I do that, though? Is that something that can be real or am I just doomed to be someone who can't be who I wish to be?"

By the end of her speech, Kara's voice is barely there. Her throat is dry, her tears constant, and there's a weary feeling deep in her bones. She wants to sleep, wants to disappear, but she knows she can't. Not when she needs to let Lena talk, not when there's still so many people to save and not when she still needs to give Alex a hug before the night ends.

There's another break of silence, punctuated by gasps and sniffles, before Lena seems to realize that Kara is finished. She clears her throat, catching Kara's full attention. Yet she can't look at her, she can't look into Lena's eyes just yet. Not until a hand slides into view, a gentle touch requesting that she look up and Kara is powerless to refuse. Lena is hurt, she can see it, but she can see the conflict. The way she wants to be angry but with the explanation, it's difficult. Kara wants to take her away, to hide under the covers until all the pain fades from them both.

"I can't say I'm not upset, that would be a lie. I am upset, I wish you'd told me earlier but I do understand why you didn't. I listened, like you asked, and I understand but that doesn't make it okay that you lied to me for so long." Kara bit her trembling lip as she nodded, Lena's word hitting home where she knew they would. "However, I think causing any more grief about it would be a disservice to us both."

There's a business like tone to Lena's voice and Kara can tell she wants to be like her. She wants to cry, to scream, to fling herself into the depths of space, but Lena isn't crumbling beneath it all just yet. She isn't cracking. Her strength is welcomed, a rock in the storm, but it also breaks Kara's heart. To know that she can weather this, even if it's only for a little while, makes Kara want to hide her away even more.

"It's okay to be angry with me, I understand that, I just hope that you won't," Kara swallowed thick, her hands flexing harshly against her legs. "Please don't leave me, don't leave me alone." 

It's a plea, a whimper into the dark and Kara winces at the vulnerable crack that punctuates it all.

"Oh Kara, darling," Then Lena is pulling her forward, hugging her, and it's all Kara can do to keep from holding to tight. "I'm not leaving. I am upset and we will have to work through this, I will need to have some time to get past this, but I'm not leaving you alone. I couldn't do that, I never will."

Kara curled into her, tucking her head into Lena's chest as she cried and clung to her like a raft she found lost at sea. By the time she calmed, body turned to jello and her breaths stuttering over the intensity of her sobs, Lena has shifted them to lay more comfortably. She can feel the tears on her skin, feel that Lena cried along with her and her heavy heart grows heavier even as she feels some of her pain reduced from the comforting arms around her.

"I love you too, you know." Lena breathed the words into her soul and Kara felt like she might drown in the ocean of emotion that crashed over her. "It's why I won't leave, why I'm willing to work through this upset and anger with you. We can come back to that when it's better, though, we will come back to that." A gentle kiss is pressed to Kara's temple and they both shiver at the feelings it sparks. "All I can do now is answer your question, or at least what I believe, and then I think we both need to take the night to think. We can meet for dinner tomorrow and talk it all through again then. I need a little alone time, Kara, as much as it pains me to leave you alone like this."

"I can spend the night at my sister's apartment." The hollow quality to Kara's voice is gone, replaced with a quiet hope and genuine warmth that she seems to only be able to grasp around Lena lately.

"Alright." Lena took a breath and then pulled back, settling her hands on Kara's shoulders to keep her attention. They simply looked at each other for a few moments, taking in the destruction that they'd felt and even then, it all seemed like the aftermath of a forest fire. Burn away the bad, burn away the past, and through the ashes a rebirth can begin.

"You're really pretty." Kara sounded dazed, felt it, and they both dissolved into a soft laughter at that. Then Lena straightened her spine and caught Kara's gaze with a gentle affection that masked the steel in her voice.

"You are Kara. One of the most gentle and warm people I know. You are the person who goes out of their way to help others, you wish for only the best for those around you, and you give so much hope to others just by being who you are, not Supergirl but simply Kara, that it astounds me every day. You brought me out of the darkness and you shine that light of yours so eagerly over others so that they never have to feel the pain of loss and the rage that you've felt. I believe that you are the best of us, Kara, and that's what you continue to be. Supergirl is something that you embody, a title given to the face you use to save others, but you are simply Kara. Whether you find comfort in the name Danvers or the name Zor-El, you will always be Kara. The truth of you is that you're pieces of each of those names and you just have to find the way to make them all click, to find a way to reconcile the girl who saw her planet die with the girl who loves the nature of the planet she calls home now. It'll be hard, it may never really happen and we may need to remind you of yourself sometimes, but I will by there no matter what, Kara. You helped me realize that I am more than just the Luthor name, or at least helped me try, and you never give up on that so I won't give up on you either."

Kara shook with renewed tears, nodding gently when Lena finished speaking. She felt something breaking through, a spark that felt a lot like hope settling in her chest through the static she'd been stuck in so deeply.

"Don't bury any of those names, Kara. They're all you and I'll be here to help you figure it all out. Luthor and Super, Kara and Lena, we are who we choose to be. At least, that's what I'm trying to remember, what I'm trying to learn, thanks to you."

Lena smiled, soft and welcoming, and Kara knew they'd be alright. She'd be okay and maybe, just maybe, tomorrow she could look in the mirror and recognize the person looking back at her.


End file.
